I'm fine, [ he says, and if it's not entirely the truth, it's not important right now anyway. josh shouldn't be worrying about him, tears or no. not now. not when he's still recovering.
he slides his own hands against josh's waist, squeezing him gently. ] .. Never again.
[ he leans in the short distance between them, pressing their brows together lightly, eyes sliding shut. ] We're going to be okay, aren't we? You're going to be okay.
You're not broken. [ you're not dangerous. no more than any of us are. i'm going to keep this place safe, so you and noah are safe.
his arms slide more firmly around him, pulling them together more closely, so he can feel the rise and fall of josh's chest against his. ] .. I love you, and I don't-- you know I don't love easily. I'm not going to let this happen again. [ his palms slide up his back, fingers dragging soothingly back down. ] And you have time to-- As much time as you need. [ if the council comes sniffing around before josh is ready--if he's ever ready--quentin will fucking bury them.
he draws back enough to meet his eyes again, smiling wanly. ] Come on, let's get you in the bath. [ he tugs at the clothing josh was laid to rest in--one of his uniforms--and starts easing it open so the other man can slide out of it. ]
[ the golden skin isn't flawless as it once was. there are marks. physical representation of the psychological scars. josh's mind cataloguing the pain, straining against the memory (i was damaged here) and the reality (i'm alive now). it'll take time.
its kintsugi in reverse. gold mended back together with hard black lines.
he lets quentin undress him and doesn't look. biting his lip and looking away. ]
It's been a year. We're - we're way behind, I can't just... [ take more time. take any more time for himself. that's selfish, selfish, selfish. ]
Shut up, [ he says firmly, even angrily, though his hands remain gentle, nearly reverent as they undress his partner. he never thought he'd have this again, not really. he thought he'd be alone again, alone forever-- the phoenix too much, too terrifying, too dangerous for someone else to truly risk being with. ] You can and you will.
[ he kneels to help him step out of the rest of his uniform, glance lifting as he steadies him, a hand resting gently against the back of his thigh. ] A few more weeks won't make a difference, and we haven't-- the last large.. number of people we lost was during the attack that killed you. Since then, one or two here or there. [ his hand slides away, glance flicking aside as he rises again. ] .. I haven't been particularly forgiving.
[ none of them have been, and few have been stupid enough to attack krakoa in the first place. ]
[ raised voices are the easiest way to win an argument. quentin knows best in this situation, what they need. and where to draw the line.
he knows the quiet council will be on their doorstep before long. asking for his help. that was always his experience with the x-men, and why his first and only compulsion is to return where he's needed rather than where he should be. ]
Okay. [ it's enough for now to just be breathing. his gaze cuts to the bath. ] Let's not...
[ he takes a breath, releases it, and any anger with it. a year ago, he might have pushed, might have insisted, might have fought just to have the last word or to piss josh off enough to make him react. but between parenthood and how deeply necessary it is for him to manage his emotional state, he's not who he was back then. ]
Okay, [ he echoes, and curls his fingers briefly with josh's, squeezing them. he ushers him toward the bath, telekinetically dumping a bath bomb into the steaming water as he undresses himself, too.
there are a few new scars on his own body as he steps toward the tub, but otherwise, he's much the same was he was. he takes a few moments to pull his own hair--longer than he used to keep it--into a messy bun, then gently nudges josh forward so he can slip into the water behind him. he eases the other man back against his chest, his arms sliding over his shoulders from behind, lips pressing briefly to the shell of his ear. ] .. We weren't alone. I mean.. the other members of the Five have been good to us, as much as they used to hate me.
he can feel it in the bond they share. their fondness for quentin, for noah. how they'd held onto him because he - he was the last piece of josh they had left. he sinks back against quentin and shuts his eyes, enjoys the heat of the bath warming his chilled skin. ]
They didn't hate you. [ well. okay. hope hated him some days. josh hated him others. ] They just... didn't get you. Once you let people know you, like... of course they were gonna love you and the baby.
[ he snorts a little at the denial, but doesn't bother saying anything else about it. it doesn't really matter anymore, anyway-- they'd all clung together in their grief, and now they're as close to family as quentin's ever had. at least, before josh and noah.
he wets his hands, gently works one through josh's hair, dampening it carefully, keeping the water from dripping into his eyes. ]
It was like they lost part of their soul. [ it was like that for quentin, too, just in a different way. ] We were all a fucking disaster for a long time. I think it-- [ a pause, fingers stilling against josh. ] The pregnancy was.. hard sometimes, and I think it.. gave them something to focus on other than how awful it was that you weren't there.
[ he understands. when their connection had been severed, however briefly, it had ached like he'd lost a limb. he can't imagine living like that every day, day in day out, missing part of himself.
and quentin.
a phoenix. a parent. so much had changed, and he... seems gentler. softer. all his sharp edges had been worn down by tragedy, but what lay underneath was just as lovely. ]
[ his arms tighten around josh, and in spite of himself, he feels warmth in his face. ] Shut up, [ he mumbles, still not sure how to handle praise like this, from someone he cares about. someone he's still deeply, terrifyingly in love with.
he presses his lips briefly to the top of josh's head, then reaches down, cupping water in his hand and bringing it up to trickle down the other man's chest. his fingers trace the lines the water took just because he can. ]
[ soft touches. soothing away the ache. reminding him of how good human contact feels, slowly erasing the memories of knives and screaming for help that arrived too late.
he tilts his head back, resting it on quentin's shoulder. ]
How far along were you when I...? [ how had he missed it? ]
My last heat. [ a little over a month, then. ] .. I was deliberately hiding it from you, rerouting signals that would ping your abilities. Not because I didn't want to tell you. I was going to tell you that week, actually. I'd.. [ his fingers curl against josh's skin. ] .. I needed time to think about it without.. [ without josh just knowing, without his unspoken thoughts and feelings about it coloring quentin's decision.
not that it had mattered in the end. after josh's death, even the thought of not carrying the pregnancy to completion had made him nauseous. it hadn't been the best mental or emotional state to be in for a decision like that, but he'd sort of already decided to keep it even before then. and he's obviously never regret it. he'd thought, given his background, given his parents, he'd make a terrible parent himself, but.. he likes it, and noah seems okay, and people generally agree that he's doing fine. ]
I was depressed for a lot of it, and only in the second trimester when the Phoenix came for me, so it was-- there was a lot going on. [ he reaches down, curling his fingers with josh's, bringing their twined hands to his lips to kiss his partner's knuckles. ] But despite it all, I ended up enjoying most of my pregnancy anyway. Somehow. I guess.. in part because Noah was part of both of us.
[ he'd watched his - mate, boyfriend, lover - die slowly and horribly. how could he not be depressed after that? he'd heard old wives tales of omegas dying after a separation like that, unable to handle the heartbreak of a bond breaking.
his power sparks a little at the kiss. the right kind this time, warm and healing rather than cold and rotting. ]
And the Phoenix... it's not, giving you like... any trouble is it?
[ fuck, he's missed that, feeling josh's powers against his skin, familiar and warm and gentle. the way josh was built to be, the way he wants to be. he turns their hands to press a second kiss to the other man's wrist, then eases back more fully against the tub, just letting them both relax for a while. ]
No. I thought.. [ he trails off uncertainly. ] I thought, the way Jean and other hosts struggled so much, and with the way I am-- [ or was, really. ] --I'd lose control in no time. But maybe it's because I knew so early, had so much time to prepare, or because the Phoenix and I.. talked before. More than once. [ he makes a noise, faintly questioning. ] I still have to be careful, watch my control, but.. honestly, as far as I can tell, there's no delineation between us anymore.
[ he sighs, a shoulder lifting, jostling josh slightly where he rests against it. ] .. Maybe it was just tired of picking new hosts. Maybe it wanted to be a mother for all I know. It never said.
[ they'd all worried in one way or another about it. not just about quentin's control, but how long the avengers would leave him be when the day came for host and entity to unite.
but he's fine. their - their son is fine. happy, even. healthy. he can feel it from here. all the sure signs of a healthy, well adjusted mutant baby. ]
I thought - that day, with how hard you came in, it might've already happened... I was worried.
[ he's surprised josh remembers much about it, honestly. he'd been pretty out of it, and no wonder, given what had been done to him. ]
No, I-- It woke up, then, that's when it.. decided I was ready. But I was just.. [ he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut as he presses his brow to josh's pale hair. he's okay. he's here. he's safe. ] God, Josh, I was so angry. I've never been that angry in my life, or that scared. When Hope told me what she could sense, what was happening.. I-- I didn't think.
[ he'd just reacted. he'd let his powers have full reign, releasing his control to them, not even caring what happened to him at the time.
it had been so, so very dangerous. not just to him, but to the baby, to everyone around him. even to josh if he hadn't been able to rein it back in again. ]
I... [ he wants to lie. say he doesn't remember any of it. but he does. he probably always will, unless he asks for that part to be cut away. but then he'd forget the first time quentin said i love you. forget how he was with him, all through the end, a comforting presence in his mind that stayed with him as his body grew cold and still.
instead he settles for the truth. ]
I understand what that's like. And how hard it is to come back from it. You... you see the worst your powers can do, and worse than that... you realize that its necessary.
[ he's always known that his powers are destructive. the first thing he'd ever done with them had been to kill his parents, after all. but that was the first time he'd ever allowed himself to go that far, and though he doesn't regret it, he knows he can never let himself lose control like that again. not bonded to the phoenix like this.
and josh does get it. all the times he's been asked to use the other side of his powers-- ]
.. I wish you didn't understand. I never want you to have to be that, do that, again. [ he knows how deeply it wounds josh to have to.
he sighs again, quiet, tipping his head back to look up at the ceiling. ] Everyone thinks--hopes--that Noah's going to have your powers.
[ he's quiet for a few moments, letting his mind drift within josh's, the hand not curled with the other man's stroking lightly, soothingly up and down his chest. ]
.. I wouldn't mind if he had yours. Not because of the council or Krakoa. If he develops your powers, no one is getting the chance to do to him what they keep doing to you.
[ use him, over and over again, burning him out and not caring what happens to him. no one is touching their son, no one is guilting him into healing for them. ]
It's just.. what you can do is beautiful. [ and unique, really. there are other mutants out there with similar abilities, maybe, but nothing quite like josh. ] .. Though given how mutations work, it's very possible that Noah and any other kids we have will wind up with powers nothing like either of ours, and then the council really can go fuck themselves.
Yeah, [ he agrees softly, and leans down to kiss him briefly, lightly, as if he's still not sure he's allowed to. ] He has a very big, very protective family that won't take kindly to someone trying to influence him.
[ which, speaking of: ] .. The rest of the Five are aunts and uncles, by the way, and so are.. a surprising number of people we know by their own insistence. Logan's grandpa. I didn't give him a choice, but for all his complaining, he finds excuses all the time to drop by and see Noah.
[ he huffs a laugh into josh's hair. ] .. He's not allowed to smoke or drink around him, of course, but he's also not allowed to curse. I made that one up just to mess with him, though.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-04-18 10:53 pm (UTC)he slides his own hands against josh's waist, squeezing him gently. ] .. Never again.
[ he leans in the short distance between them, pressing their brows together lightly, eyes sliding shut. ] We're going to be okay, aren't we? You're going to be okay.
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Date: 2021-04-18 10:57 pm (UTC)It... it always takes something out of me. To come back.
[ i'm never the same. i'm wrong broken dangerous. the thoughts collide messily in his head. ]
We'll be okay.
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Date: 2021-04-19 01:00 am (UTC)his arms slide more firmly around him, pulling them together more closely, so he can feel the rise and fall of josh's chest against his. ] .. I love you, and I don't-- you know I don't love easily. I'm not going to let this happen again. [ his palms slide up his back, fingers dragging soothingly back down. ] And you have time to-- As much time as you need. [ if the council comes sniffing around before josh is ready--if he's ever ready--quentin will fucking bury them.
he draws back enough to meet his eyes again, smiling wanly. ] Come on, let's get you in the bath. [ he tugs at the clothing josh was laid to rest in--one of his uniforms--and starts easing it open so the other man can slide out of it. ]
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Date: 2021-04-19 01:04 am (UTC)its kintsugi in reverse. gold mended back together with hard black lines.
he lets quentin undress him and doesn't look. biting his lip and looking away. ]
It's been a year. We're - we're way behind, I can't just... [ take more time. take any more time for himself. that's selfish, selfish, selfish. ]
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Date: 2021-04-19 01:18 am (UTC)[ he kneels to help him step out of the rest of his uniform, glance lifting as he steadies him, a hand resting gently against the back of his thigh. ] A few more weeks won't make a difference, and we haven't-- the last large.. number of people we lost was during the attack that killed you. Since then, one or two here or there. [ his hand slides away, glance flicking aside as he rises again. ] .. I haven't been particularly forgiving.
[ none of them have been, and few have been stupid enough to attack krakoa in the first place. ]
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Date: 2021-04-19 01:24 am (UTC)he knows the quiet council will be on their doorstep before long. asking for his help. that was always his experience with the x-men, and why his first and only compulsion is to return where he's needed rather than where he should be. ]
Okay. [ it's enough for now to just be breathing. his gaze cuts to the bath. ] Let's not...
[ fight. talk about it. ]
Let's just get in.
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Date: 2021-04-19 01:35 am (UTC)Okay, [ he echoes, and curls his fingers briefly with josh's, squeezing them. he ushers him toward the bath, telekinetically dumping a bath bomb into the steaming water as he undresses himself, too.
there are a few new scars on his own body as he steps toward the tub, but otherwise, he's much the same was he was. he takes a few moments to pull his own hair--longer than he used to keep it--into a messy bun, then gently nudges josh forward so he can slip into the water behind him. he eases the other man back against his chest, his arms sliding over his shoulders from behind, lips pressing briefly to the shell of his ear. ] .. We weren't alone. I mean.. the other members of the Five have been good to us, as much as they used to hate me.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 01:39 am (UTC)he can feel it in the bond they share. their fondness for quentin, for noah. how they'd held onto him because he - he was the last piece of josh they had left. he sinks back against quentin and shuts his eyes, enjoys the heat of the bath warming his chilled skin. ]
They didn't hate you. [ well. okay. hope hated him some days. josh hated him others. ] They just... didn't get you. Once you let people know you, like... of course they were gonna love you and the baby.
[ ... ]
They... must have taken it hard.
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Date: 2021-04-19 01:50 am (UTC)he wets his hands, gently works one through josh's hair, dampening it carefully, keeping the water from dripping into his eyes. ]
It was like they lost part of their soul. [ it was like that for quentin, too, just in a different way. ] We were all a fucking disaster for a long time. I think it-- [ a pause, fingers stilling against josh. ] The pregnancy was.. hard sometimes, and I think it.. gave them something to focus on other than how awful it was that you weren't there.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 01:54 am (UTC)and quentin.
a phoenix. a parent. so much had changed, and he... seems gentler. softer. all his sharp edges had been worn down by tragedy, but what lay underneath was just as lovely. ]
I'm proud of you.
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Date: 2021-04-19 02:05 am (UTC)he presses his lips briefly to the top of josh's head, then reaches down, cupping water in his hand and bringing it up to trickle down the other man's chest. his fingers trace the lines the water took just because he can. ]
If I'm different, it's because of Noah.
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Date: 2021-04-19 02:07 am (UTC)he tilts his head back, resting it on quentin's shoulder. ]
How far along were you when I...? [ how had he missed it? ]
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Date: 2021-04-19 02:25 am (UTC)not that it had mattered in the end. after josh's death, even the thought of not carrying the pregnancy to completion had made him nauseous. it hadn't been the best mental or emotional state to be in for a decision like that, but he'd sort of already decided to keep it even before then. and he's obviously never regret it. he'd thought, given his background, given his parents, he'd make a terrible parent himself, but.. he likes it, and noah seems okay, and people generally agree that he's doing fine. ]
I was depressed for a lot of it, and only in the second trimester when the Phoenix came for me, so it was-- there was a lot going on. [ he reaches down, curling his fingers with josh's, bringing their twined hands to his lips to kiss his partner's knuckles. ] But despite it all, I ended up enjoying most of my pregnancy anyway. Somehow. I guess.. in part because Noah was part of both of us.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:30 am (UTC)[ he'd watched his - mate, boyfriend, lover - die slowly and horribly. how could he not be depressed after that? he'd heard old wives tales of omegas dying after a separation like that, unable to handle the heartbreak of a bond breaking.
his power sparks a little at the kiss. the right kind this time, warm and healing rather than cold and rotting. ]
And the Phoenix... it's not, giving you like... any trouble is it?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:42 am (UTC)No. I thought.. [ he trails off uncertainly. ] I thought, the way Jean and other hosts struggled so much, and with the way I am-- [ or was, really. ] --I'd lose control in no time. But maybe it's because I knew so early, had so much time to prepare, or because the Phoenix and I.. talked before. More than once. [ he makes a noise, faintly questioning. ] I still have to be careful, watch my control, but.. honestly, as far as I can tell, there's no delineation between us anymore.
[ he sighs, a shoulder lifting, jostling josh slightly where he rests against it. ] .. Maybe it was just tired of picking new hosts. Maybe it wanted to be a mother for all I know. It never said.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:48 am (UTC)[ they'd all worried in one way or another about it. not just about quentin's control, but how long the avengers would leave him be when the day came for host and entity to unite.
but he's fine. their - their son is fine. happy, even. healthy. he can feel it from here. all the sure signs of a healthy, well adjusted mutant baby. ]
I thought - that day, with how hard you came in, it might've already happened... I was worried.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:09 am (UTC)No, I-- It woke up, then, that's when it.. decided I was ready. But I was just.. [ he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut as he presses his brow to josh's pale hair. he's okay. he's here. he's safe. ] God, Josh, I was so angry. I've never been that angry in my life, or that scared. When Hope told me what she could sense, what was happening.. I-- I didn't think.
[ he'd just reacted. he'd let his powers have full reign, releasing his control to them, not even caring what happened to him at the time.
it had been so, so very dangerous. not just to him, but to the baby, to everyone around him. even to josh if he hadn't been able to rein it back in again. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:13 am (UTC)he doesn't want to think about it. ]
I... [ he wants to lie. say he doesn't remember any of it. but he does. he probably always will, unless he asks for that part to be cut away. but then he'd forget the first time quentin said i love you. forget how he was with him, all through the end, a comforting presence in his mind that stayed with him as his body grew cold and still.
instead he settles for the truth. ]
I understand what that's like. And how hard it is to come back from it. You... you see the worst your powers can do, and worse than that... you realize that its necessary.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:26 am (UTC)and josh does get it. all the times he's been asked to use the other side of his powers-- ]
.. I wish you didn't understand. I never want you to have to be that, do that, again. [ he knows how deeply it wounds josh to have to.
he sighs again, quiet, tipping his head back to look up at the ceiling. ] Everyone thinks--hopes--that Noah's going to have your powers.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:28 am (UTC)[ of course they do.
he hates how bitterly he thinks it. how much they'd want another all powerful healer, just in case their main one gets used up or dies. ]
I hope he has yours.
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Date: 2021-04-19 03:39 am (UTC).. I wouldn't mind if he had yours. Not because of the council or Krakoa. If he develops your powers, no one is getting the chance to do to him what they keep doing to you.
[ use him, over and over again, burning him out and not caring what happens to him. no one is touching their son, no one is guilting him into healing for them. ]
It's just.. what you can do is beautiful. [ and unique, really. there are other mutants out there with similar abilities, maybe, but nothing quite like josh. ] .. Though given how mutations work, it's very possible that Noah and any other kids we have will wind up with powers nothing like either of ours, and then the council really can go fuck themselves.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:42 am (UTC)You want more?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:45 am (UTC)his face heats, and he glances away. ] .. I'm not.. ruling out the possibility. Eventually.
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Date: 2021-04-19 03:47 am (UTC)its going to take getting used to. all of this. it will be a while before he can really consider more when he's barely wrapped his head around one. ]
Whatever he gets, it'll be his. He gets to decide what he uses it for.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:57 am (UTC)[ which, speaking of: ] .. The rest of the Five are aunts and uncles, by the way, and so are.. a surprising number of people we know by their own insistence. Logan's grandpa. I didn't give him a choice, but for all his complaining, he finds excuses all the time to drop by and see Noah.
[ he huffs a laugh into josh's hair. ] .. He's not allowed to smoke or drink around him, of course, but he's also not allowed to curse. I made that one up just to mess with him, though.
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