[ his arms tighten around josh, and in spite of himself, he feels warmth in his face. ] Shut up, [ he mumbles, still not sure how to handle praise like this, from someone he cares about. someone he's still deeply, terrifyingly in love with.
he presses his lips briefly to the top of josh's head, then reaches down, cupping water in his hand and bringing it up to trickle down the other man's chest. his fingers trace the lines the water took just because he can. ]
[ soft touches. soothing away the ache. reminding him of how good human contact feels, slowly erasing the memories of knives and screaming for help that arrived too late.
he tilts his head back, resting it on quentin's shoulder. ]
How far along were you when I...? [ how had he missed it? ]
My last heat. [ a little over a month, then. ] .. I was deliberately hiding it from you, rerouting signals that would ping your abilities. Not because I didn't want to tell you. I was going to tell you that week, actually. I'd.. [ his fingers curl against josh's skin. ] .. I needed time to think about it without.. [ without josh just knowing, without his unspoken thoughts and feelings about it coloring quentin's decision.
not that it had mattered in the end. after josh's death, even the thought of not carrying the pregnancy to completion had made him nauseous. it hadn't been the best mental or emotional state to be in for a decision like that, but he'd sort of already decided to keep it even before then. and he's obviously never regret it. he'd thought, given his background, given his parents, he'd make a terrible parent himself, but.. he likes it, and noah seems okay, and people generally agree that he's doing fine. ]
I was depressed for a lot of it, and only in the second trimester when the Phoenix came for me, so it was-- there was a lot going on. [ he reaches down, curling his fingers with josh's, bringing their twined hands to his lips to kiss his partner's knuckles. ] But despite it all, I ended up enjoying most of my pregnancy anyway. Somehow. I guess.. in part because Noah was part of both of us.
[ he'd watched his - mate, boyfriend, lover - die slowly and horribly. how could he not be depressed after that? he'd heard old wives tales of omegas dying after a separation like that, unable to handle the heartbreak of a bond breaking.
his power sparks a little at the kiss. the right kind this time, warm and healing rather than cold and rotting. ]
And the Phoenix... it's not, giving you like... any trouble is it?
[ fuck, he's missed that, feeling josh's powers against his skin, familiar and warm and gentle. the way josh was built to be, the way he wants to be. he turns their hands to press a second kiss to the other man's wrist, then eases back more fully against the tub, just letting them both relax for a while. ]
No. I thought.. [ he trails off uncertainly. ] I thought, the way Jean and other hosts struggled so much, and with the way I am-- [ or was, really. ] --I'd lose control in no time. But maybe it's because I knew so early, had so much time to prepare, or because the Phoenix and I.. talked before. More than once. [ he makes a noise, faintly questioning. ] I still have to be careful, watch my control, but.. honestly, as far as I can tell, there's no delineation between us anymore.
[ he sighs, a shoulder lifting, jostling josh slightly where he rests against it. ] .. Maybe it was just tired of picking new hosts. Maybe it wanted to be a mother for all I know. It never said.
[ they'd all worried in one way or another about it. not just about quentin's control, but how long the avengers would leave him be when the day came for host and entity to unite.
but he's fine. their - their son is fine. happy, even. healthy. he can feel it from here. all the sure signs of a healthy, well adjusted mutant baby. ]
I thought - that day, with how hard you came in, it might've already happened... I was worried.
[ he's surprised josh remembers much about it, honestly. he'd been pretty out of it, and no wonder, given what had been done to him. ]
No, I-- It woke up, then, that's when it.. decided I was ready. But I was just.. [ he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut as he presses his brow to josh's pale hair. he's okay. he's here. he's safe. ] God, Josh, I was so angry. I've never been that angry in my life, or that scared. When Hope told me what she could sense, what was happening.. I-- I didn't think.
[ he'd just reacted. he'd let his powers have full reign, releasing his control to them, not even caring what happened to him at the time.
it had been so, so very dangerous. not just to him, but to the baby, to everyone around him. even to josh if he hadn't been able to rein it back in again. ]
I... [ he wants to lie. say he doesn't remember any of it. but he does. he probably always will, unless he asks for that part to be cut away. but then he'd forget the first time quentin said i love you. forget how he was with him, all through the end, a comforting presence in his mind that stayed with him as his body grew cold and still.
instead he settles for the truth. ]
I understand what that's like. And how hard it is to come back from it. You... you see the worst your powers can do, and worse than that... you realize that its necessary.
[ he's always known that his powers are destructive. the first thing he'd ever done with them had been to kill his parents, after all. but that was the first time he'd ever allowed himself to go that far, and though he doesn't regret it, he knows he can never let himself lose control like that again. not bonded to the phoenix like this.
and josh does get it. all the times he's been asked to use the other side of his powers-- ]
.. I wish you didn't understand. I never want you to have to be that, do that, again. [ he knows how deeply it wounds josh to have to.
he sighs again, quiet, tipping his head back to look up at the ceiling. ] Everyone thinks--hopes--that Noah's going to have your powers.
[ he's quiet for a few moments, letting his mind drift within josh's, the hand not curled with the other man's stroking lightly, soothingly up and down his chest. ]
.. I wouldn't mind if he had yours. Not because of the council or Krakoa. If he develops your powers, no one is getting the chance to do to him what they keep doing to you.
[ use him, over and over again, burning him out and not caring what happens to him. no one is touching their son, no one is guilting him into healing for them. ]
It's just.. what you can do is beautiful. [ and unique, really. there are other mutants out there with similar abilities, maybe, but nothing quite like josh. ] .. Though given how mutations work, it's very possible that Noah and any other kids we have will wind up with powers nothing like either of ours, and then the council really can go fuck themselves.
Yeah, [ he agrees softly, and leans down to kiss him briefly, lightly, as if he's still not sure he's allowed to. ] He has a very big, very protective family that won't take kindly to someone trying to influence him.
[ which, speaking of: ] .. The rest of the Five are aunts and uncles, by the way, and so are.. a surprising number of people we know by their own insistence. Logan's grandpa. I didn't give him a choice, but for all his complaining, he finds excuses all the time to drop by and see Noah.
[ he huffs a laugh into josh's hair. ] .. He's not allowed to smoke or drink around him, of course, but he's also not allowed to curse. I made that one up just to mess with him, though.
but maybe he should've. quentin and logan have a unique relationship. and logan has always been soft with children, he can't think of anyone better to protect a newborn mutant. ]
Our generation's seen so much death, I imagine everybody's like - tripping over themselves to get to be a part of something better.
Yeah, it was fucking weird for a while, [ he admits, sounding a little flustered in spite of himself. he'd gone from being sort of tolerated because he'd made himself more helpful and less of an asshole in recent years, to some sort of tragic hero of krakoa, to a kind of mutant god, to a symbol carrying a legacy, to a single parent trying to juggle a newborn, his duties as a deterrent, weird political responsibilities, and his connections with other people. it had been a lot for anyone, much less for someone like quentin. and not to mention he'd been depressed and dealing with all the unpleasantness that often comes with pregnancy during a significant portion of.. all of that. ]
I'm really grateful, though. [ he finally reaches for the shampoo, pouring some into his hands so he can start working it patiently through josh's hair. ] I always have someone willing to take Noah for a couple of hours, or bring dinner by, or-- or just help me get things done that I'm too busy for.
[ look at how far quentin's come in such a short period of time. trusting other mutants enough to mind his baby. having people he'd gladly call family.
treating josh like a sure thing, rather than an annoyance who wouldn't leave him alone. a contented sigh leaves him as quentin begins to work through his hair - way too long, in sore need of a cut now. ]
You're gonna need to teach me all this baby stuff.
[ his fingers in josh's hair hesitate, suddenly and inexplicably uncertain. ] I-- [ he pauses a few moments, then begins to move again, lathering the shampoo in josh's hair and carefully wiping it away from his hairline so it doesn't drip down into his eyes. ]
You know.. you don't have to be his dad. [ he presses him back so he can rinse the soap back out, glancing down into his face as he does, a line between his brows. ] I mean, I didn't exactly consult you on having him or anything. You didn't ask for him, and we didn't.. that is, just because we said what we said doesn't mean-- [ a pause, frustrated with his own stammering. ] .. I wouldn't hold it against you if all of this is just too much right now.
[ he's literally just come back from the dead, after all, and to a partner or boyfriend or whatever quentin is or was, who is very different from the one he'd left. and to a child he'd known nothing about, that he hadn't asked for, that maybe he wouldn't have wanted even if things had been different. ]
he woke up and the world is different. but it isn't the first time. josh's smile turns a little rueful, fingers lifting to brush quentin's hair back from his face. ]
I can't promise I'm gonna be perfect. Or - or that I'm not gonna freak out a little down the line. I never... [ his brow scrunches. ] I never come back right. The way I was, when I left. [ and its never.... immediate. he's sick, not physically, but mentally. he can't control his emotions. the flashbacks usually come and he can't stop them. no doubt the council is currently more preoccupied with the risk he poses than the excitement for him being back. magneto had found him on that island, seen just how traumatizing the life and death cycle can be on him. ] It might not even be safe for you to be near me, so if you... like, want me to go somewhere for a while until we're sure I'm safe, that's fine.
But if you'd told me when it happened, or let me sense it, and - and like, I'm not mad you didn't either, I get it - I'd have been excited. Freaked out and all but, excited. I love you, and I loved you before there was a baby in the mix. [ his smile warms a little. ] And if I got you pregnant in the first place that means I, like, was ready and wanted it, if you did. 'cause I've been shooting blanks since, y'know... M-Day.
[ he tilts his head a little into the brush of josh's fingers, quiet, searching his face, mind pressing gently at the other man's. ] I'm not worried about that. You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to be self-conscious at-- at being traumatized, or struggling. We'll figure it out, and if you need space, or you need me to-- to back off for a while, or stick closer, or anything, you tell me. [ still supporting his head, he bends to kiss him, then eases him upright again. ] I'll monitor you for as long as it seems necessary. If you think it's necessary.
[ if josh is legitimately worried about being a danger at some point.
he takes the conditioner, then, pouring some into his hands and smoothing them through the other man's hair, his lips finally curling. ] .. Anyway, so.. what, unconsciously you wanted to knock me up? [ he huffs a laugh. ] Keep me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen so I stayed out of trouble? [ but the thought warms him anyway, knowing that somewhere in josh's subconscious, he'd wanted a family with quentin. that some part of him had thought quentin would make a good parent.
he glances back toward the open door of the bedroom, mind briefly touching their son's sleeping one, dreaming soft baby dreams. ]
.. I guess he really is kind of a miracle. [ there were so many things that could have gone wrong, that might not have happened to create him, and yet here he is. ]
[ but he appreciates it. all of it. being able to come home and have a family, a life, when he'd been denied both for so long. even if he's worried about destroying it. ]
If it wasn't you, it probably would've been me after my next heat. The fact that I started having them should've been a giveaway, but I figured, like, there was no way... [ he wrinkles his nose. ] Guess we're gonna need to start using condoms?
He's the sign of a new start. [ and he's glad that quentin wasn't alone. ]
I'd set the kitchen on fire, [ he confirms smugly, plucking up the soap and lathering his hands. he strokes them lightly over josh's shoulders, then down over his chest, working the soap over as much of his body as he can reach. ]
Seems like. [ god, that's another thing to address, isn't it? his heats now, with the phoenix as part of him-- ] Unless you can turn yours back off when you want. Otherwise-- [ an amused sound, handing the soap to josh to finish what he can't reach. ] --guess one of us will have to pick up a box sometime.
[ he picks up the slack, carefully scrubbing himself clean. reaffirming his connection with his body as he does so - but his hands shy away from the scars. ]
Might be a while before I have another one. [ a long while. he doesn't know precisely what was done to him, but he knows they'd been interested in making
more
of him. studying how mutant anatomy works. it took him years to get comfortable and safe enough to have a heat, he imagines it'll be a while off before he's ready for another one. ]
That's okay, [ he says, firm but gentle. ] Whatever happens or doesn't happen, what matters is that you're safe and you're recovering. Even if it takes a long time. [ he smooths a hand down his back, then nudges him forward so he can start washing himself, too, matter-of-fact and almost impatient with his own cleanliness.
once he's done, he climbs out of the tub and wraps a towel around himself, letting josh finish rinsing his hair and body as he gathers a couple more towels up. ]
.. I've only had one since Noah was born, and trust me, it was enough for both of us. [ between grief and stress, he'd thankfully been spared them for the most part, but last month had been.. rough. he'd gone back on suppressants afterward, for what little good they may do in a body charged by a cosmic force.
he shakes out the towel, holding it up so he can wrap it around the other man when he rises. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:05 am (UTC)he presses his lips briefly to the top of josh's head, then reaches down, cupping water in his hand and bringing it up to trickle down the other man's chest. his fingers trace the lines the water took just because he can. ]
If I'm different, it's because of Noah.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:07 am (UTC)he tilts his head back, resting it on quentin's shoulder. ]
How far along were you when I...? [ how had he missed it? ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:25 am (UTC)not that it had mattered in the end. after josh's death, even the thought of not carrying the pregnancy to completion had made him nauseous. it hadn't been the best mental or emotional state to be in for a decision like that, but he'd sort of already decided to keep it even before then. and he's obviously never regret it. he'd thought, given his background, given his parents, he'd make a terrible parent himself, but.. he likes it, and noah seems okay, and people generally agree that he's doing fine. ]
I was depressed for a lot of it, and only in the second trimester when the Phoenix came for me, so it was-- there was a lot going on. [ he reaches down, curling his fingers with josh's, bringing their twined hands to his lips to kiss his partner's knuckles. ] But despite it all, I ended up enjoying most of my pregnancy anyway. Somehow. I guess.. in part because Noah was part of both of us.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:30 am (UTC)[ he'd watched his - mate, boyfriend, lover - die slowly and horribly. how could he not be depressed after that? he'd heard old wives tales of omegas dying after a separation like that, unable to handle the heartbreak of a bond breaking.
his power sparks a little at the kiss. the right kind this time, warm and healing rather than cold and rotting. ]
And the Phoenix... it's not, giving you like... any trouble is it?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:42 am (UTC)No. I thought.. [ he trails off uncertainly. ] I thought, the way Jean and other hosts struggled so much, and with the way I am-- [ or was, really. ] --I'd lose control in no time. But maybe it's because I knew so early, had so much time to prepare, or because the Phoenix and I.. talked before. More than once. [ he makes a noise, faintly questioning. ] I still have to be careful, watch my control, but.. honestly, as far as I can tell, there's no delineation between us anymore.
[ he sighs, a shoulder lifting, jostling josh slightly where he rests against it. ] .. Maybe it was just tired of picking new hosts. Maybe it wanted to be a mother for all I know. It never said.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 02:48 am (UTC)[ they'd all worried in one way or another about it. not just about quentin's control, but how long the avengers would leave him be when the day came for host and entity to unite.
but he's fine. their - their son is fine. happy, even. healthy. he can feel it from here. all the sure signs of a healthy, well adjusted mutant baby. ]
I thought - that day, with how hard you came in, it might've already happened... I was worried.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:09 am (UTC)No, I-- It woke up, then, that's when it.. decided I was ready. But I was just.. [ he trails off, squeezing his eyes shut as he presses his brow to josh's pale hair. he's okay. he's here. he's safe. ] God, Josh, I was so angry. I've never been that angry in my life, or that scared. When Hope told me what she could sense, what was happening.. I-- I didn't think.
[ he'd just reacted. he'd let his powers have full reign, releasing his control to them, not even caring what happened to him at the time.
it had been so, so very dangerous. not just to him, but to the baby, to everyone around him. even to josh if he hadn't been able to rein it back in again. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:13 am (UTC)he doesn't want to think about it. ]
I... [ he wants to lie. say he doesn't remember any of it. but he does. he probably always will, unless he asks for that part to be cut away. but then he'd forget the first time quentin said i love you. forget how he was with him, all through the end, a comforting presence in his mind that stayed with him as his body grew cold and still.
instead he settles for the truth. ]
I understand what that's like. And how hard it is to come back from it. You... you see the worst your powers can do, and worse than that... you realize that its necessary.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:26 am (UTC)and josh does get it. all the times he's been asked to use the other side of his powers-- ]
.. I wish you didn't understand. I never want you to have to be that, do that, again. [ he knows how deeply it wounds josh to have to.
he sighs again, quiet, tipping his head back to look up at the ceiling. ] Everyone thinks--hopes--that Noah's going to have your powers.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:28 am (UTC)[ of course they do.
he hates how bitterly he thinks it. how much they'd want another all powerful healer, just in case their main one gets used up or dies. ]
I hope he has yours.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:39 am (UTC).. I wouldn't mind if he had yours. Not because of the council or Krakoa. If he develops your powers, no one is getting the chance to do to him what they keep doing to you.
[ use him, over and over again, burning him out and not caring what happens to him. no one is touching their son, no one is guilting him into healing for them. ]
It's just.. what you can do is beautiful. [ and unique, really. there are other mutants out there with similar abilities, maybe, but nothing quite like josh. ] .. Though given how mutations work, it's very possible that Noah and any other kids we have will wind up with powers nothing like either of ours, and then the council really can go fuck themselves.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:42 am (UTC)You want more?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:45 am (UTC)his face heats, and he glances away. ] .. I'm not.. ruling out the possibility. Eventually.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:47 am (UTC)its going to take getting used to. all of this. it will be a while before he can really consider more when he's barely wrapped his head around one. ]
Whatever he gets, it'll be his. He gets to decide what he uses it for.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 03:57 am (UTC)[ which, speaking of: ] .. The rest of the Five are aunts and uncles, by the way, and so are.. a surprising number of people we know by their own insistence. Logan's grandpa. I didn't give him a choice, but for all his complaining, he finds excuses all the time to drop by and see Noah.
[ he huffs a laugh into josh's hair. ] .. He's not allowed to smoke or drink around him, of course, but he's also not allowed to curse. I made that one up just to mess with him, though.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 04:02 am (UTC)but maybe he should've. quentin and logan have a unique relationship. and logan has always been soft with children, he can't think of anyone better to protect a newborn mutant. ]
Our generation's seen so much death, I imagine everybody's like - tripping over themselves to get to be a part of something better.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 04:15 am (UTC)I'm really grateful, though. [ he finally reaches for the shampoo, pouring some into his hands so he can start working it patiently through josh's hair. ] I always have someone willing to take Noah for a couple of hours, or bring dinner by, or-- or just help me get things done that I'm too busy for.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 04:31 am (UTC)treating josh like a sure thing, rather than an annoyance who wouldn't leave him alone. a contented sigh leaves him as quentin begins to work through his hair - way too long, in sore need of a cut now. ]
You're gonna need to teach me all this baby stuff.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 12:36 pm (UTC)You know.. you don't have to be his dad. [ he presses him back so he can rinse the soap back out, glancing down into his face as he does, a line between his brows. ] I mean, I didn't exactly consult you on having him or anything. You didn't ask for him, and we didn't.. that is, just because we said what we said doesn't mean-- [ a pause, frustrated with his own stammering. ] .. I wouldn't hold it against you if all of this is just too much right now.
[ he's literally just come back from the dead, after all, and to a partner or boyfriend or whatever quentin is or was, who is very different from the one he'd left. and to a child he'd known nothing about, that he hadn't asked for, that maybe he wouldn't have wanted even if things had been different. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 09:59 pm (UTC)he woke up and the world is different. but it isn't the first time. josh's smile turns a little rueful, fingers lifting to brush quentin's hair back from his face. ]
I can't promise I'm gonna be perfect. Or - or that I'm not gonna freak out a little down the line. I never... [ his brow scrunches. ] I never come back right. The way I was, when I left. [ and its never.... immediate. he's sick, not physically, but mentally. he can't control his emotions. the flashbacks usually come and he can't stop them. no doubt the council is currently more preoccupied with the risk he poses than the excitement for him being back. magneto had found him on that island, seen just how traumatizing the life and death cycle can be on him. ] It might not even be safe for you to be near me, so if you... like, want me to go somewhere for a while until we're sure I'm safe, that's fine.
But if you'd told me when it happened, or let me sense it, and - and like, I'm not mad you didn't either, I get it - I'd have been excited. Freaked out and all but, excited. I love you, and I loved you before there was a baby in the mix. [ his smile warms a little. ] And if I got you pregnant in the first place that means I, like, was ready and wanted it, if you did. 'cause I've been shooting blanks since, y'know... M-Day.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 11:27 pm (UTC)[ if josh is legitimately worried about being a danger at some point.
he takes the conditioner, then, pouring some into his hands and smoothing them through the other man's hair, his lips finally curling. ] .. Anyway, so.. what, unconsciously you wanted to knock me up? [ he huffs a laugh. ] Keep me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen so I stayed out of trouble? [ but the thought warms him anyway, knowing that somewhere in josh's subconscious, he'd wanted a family with quentin. that some part of him had thought quentin would make a good parent.
he glances back toward the open door of the bedroom, mind briefly touching their son's sleeping one, dreaming soft baby dreams. ]
.. I guess he really is kind of a miracle. [ there were so many things that could have gone wrong, that might not have happened to create him, and yet here he is. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 11:34 pm (UTC)[ but he appreciates it. all of it. being able to come home and have a family, a life, when he'd been denied both for so long. even if he's worried about destroying it. ]
If it wasn't you, it probably would've been me after my next heat. The fact that I started having them should've been a giveaway, but I figured, like, there was no way... [ he wrinkles his nose. ] Guess we're gonna need to start using condoms?
He's the sign of a new start. [ and he's glad that quentin wasn't alone. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 11:58 pm (UTC)Seems like. [ god, that's another thing to address, isn't it? his heats now, with the phoenix as part of him-- ] Unless you can turn yours back off when you want. Otherwise-- [ an amused sound, handing the soap to josh to finish what he can't reach. ] --guess one of us will have to pick up a box sometime.
[ when josh is ready. when they're both ready. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 12:04 am (UTC)[ he picks up the slack, carefully scrubbing himself clean. reaffirming his connection with his body as he does so - but his hands shy away from the scars. ]
Might be a while before I have another one. [ a long while. he doesn't know precisely what was done to him, but he knows they'd been interested in making
more
of him. studying how mutant anatomy works. it took him years to get comfortable and safe enough to have a heat, he imagines it'll be a while off before he's ready for another one. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 12:30 am (UTC)once he's done, he climbs out of the tub and wraps a towel around himself, letting josh finish rinsing his hair and body as he gathers a couple more towels up. ]
.. I've only had one since Noah was born, and trust me, it was enough for both of us. [ between grief and stress, he'd thankfully been spared them for the most part, but last month had been.. rough. he'd gone back on suppressants afterward, for what little good they may do in a body charged by a cosmic force.
he shakes out the towel, holding it up so he can wrap it around the other man when he rises. ]
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