[ he's in a meeting with a sub-committee of the council when he gets the ping. they're arguing about some minutiae of policy that he doesn't actually need to know or care about, and the only reason he's really there is because he's the phoenix. and as much as he's a weapon to be used, he's also a symbol, a figurehead: mutants, the chosen people of a cosmic creator deity.
jean's the first to notice him going stiff, followed by ororo, glances questioning as his fingers curl white-knuckled around the arms of his chair. he shakes his head once to let them know not to worry, sends jean a quick warning--don't let anyone go near the arbor magna, not until i say it's safe--and rises without so much as a by-your-leave, hurrying out and taking to the air.
pulling on his abilities, he's off like a shot, reaching out to the five as he does so. he can feel the fear, well-disguised beneath artificial calm. they're trying to keep josh calm, but they know as well as anyone that if josh truly loses control, it's going to be bad even with quentin there to stop him. back the fuck off, he spits telepathically to xavier as he lands in a flurry of psionic flames, knowing his presence isn't helping matters here. xavier, the x-men, the council-- they're the reason josh is like this in the first place, as well-meaning as they may or may not be. the good of the many, et cetera, et fucking cetera.
he steps forward, then, fearless, soothing, reaching out to brush his familiar presence against his boyfriend's mind. ]
Hey, babe, [ he greets aloud, gentle, pushing warmth and comfort at him, pressing a muffling weight over the panic taking him. ] It's been a rough day, huh? [ he presses hope's arm as he passes her, assurance that he's got this, even as his heart breaks in his chest at the terror still radiating from josh like a warding signal.
i'm here, you're safe, he says, just for him, stopping within easy reach of the other man. it's a risk if there's nothing left in there but instinct, his flames low enough not to look like a threat, but not much of a defense because of that. but he doesn't think josh has regressed that far. he offers out his hands, palm up, bare and pale and familiar.
i told you i'd never let someone hurt you again. i meant it. come back to me, josh. ]
after all this time, why is he still like this? it's quentin and he knows its quentin, but josh reels back from the offered hand. his hands balling to fists, the air around him taking on a far darker aura. there's a rush of self-hatred at his own reaction, revulsion that his first thought is to attack to secure a way to freedom.
it would be easy. quentin probably wouldn't fight back. his thoughts are frantic, trying to figure out how to dismantle the phoenix and and and
he shakes his head. his hands curling tighter in his hair. ]
Yes, you can, [ quentin says, calm but not coddling, not moving now that he's where he wants to be, hands not faltering where they wait patiently for josh's. ] I know you can, because you love me, and I know you'd do anything for me.
[ he shuts down anything in his brain that would ping as anxiety or fear, keeping his heart calm, his breathing even, allowing nothing that josh could pick up that would cause him more stress. there are so many people here, so many people in the area surrounding them. ]
But the only thing I'm ever going to ask from you is to be with me, Josh. [ he gently curls his fingers where they wait, bending enough so that he can peer up into his boyfriend's face. ] So.. be with me. I love you, and I'm going to protect you. Breathe for me, okay?
[ No one could've envisioned the boy who incited a riot to have this sort of compassion and patience, let alone for a boy who embodied everything he rallied against. Josh stares at his extended hands, shaking faintly, his white eyes aglow against the pitch black of his skin.
He tries to breathe. To stop. To relax.
He reaches out slowly. His skin slowly washing to gold as his fingers extend, loosely gripping Quentin's fingers. Slowly Josh sinks to his knees, wailing softly. ]
[ he releases a slow breath, relieved as fingers take his own, as josh's skin goes gold again. they're not out of the woods yet, and that cry makes him ache, hurting for his boyfriend, but he steps closer as josh falls to his knees. he gently presses josh's hands to his hips to let him curl his fingers there instead, and his own arms slide over the other man's shoulders, a hand cupping the back of his head, the other his nape, hugging him against his abdomen.
he strokes fingers slowly through his hair, curling telekinetic arms around him, gentle and careful. ]
I've got you, babe. [ he finds it hard to believe himself some days, that he's here, that they're here together. but if nothing else taught him compassion, parenthood did, and he's not doing anything to risk losing his child or his boyfriend. ] You're doing so good. I know you don't believe it right now, but I'm so fucking proud of you. [ he scratches fingers gently over josh's scalp, stroking through his hair, brushing the curve of his ear, slow and even, giving him physical sensation to focus on. ]
[ his mutation should be a blessing but so often it feels like a curse. he doesn't believe anything quentin says. how many times had quentin died, shrugging off the experience like it was nothing? he'd used it to improve himself.
[ he bends, pressing a kiss to his brow, then reaching beneath him, scooping him up and lifting with his telekinesis, an arm beneath his back and under his legs. he hugs him to his chest, then steps off the ground, allowing them to drift lazily into the air-- higher, higher, wreathing them both in flame to protect them from the wind as they rise above krakoa.
then he aims them toward the beach, toward an isolated little stretch of sand and rock, tucked away in a little cove. ]
Babe, [ he says gently, aloud and in josh's mind as they descend, ] you've been back less than three months, and your whole world changed while you were gone. You need to be kinder to yourself. [ they touch down on sand-worn stone, warmed from the afternoon sun, and quentin sets him on his feet again, reaching to cup his face, to look into his eyes. ] Do you really think I wasn't traumatized by my deaths? Why do you think I spent so much time aggravating you after I'd resurrect? It was better than thinking. And I didn't come back then the way you do, remembering every awful detail.
You're not going to hurt us, [ quentin murmurs, pushing a few locks of hair away from josh's brow, then smoothing his palms down the other man's chest. ] You have better self-control than that. And for days when you need to hand that control up, I'm here.
[ his palms slide further down, taking josh's hands and lifting them, gathering them between his own and kissing the knuckles. ]
I didn't accept the Phoenix just to be a pretty fiery figurehead, Josh. I did it for you and for Noah, for our family and our home. [ flames lick at his fingers, gentle and harmless under his control, wreathing their laced hands. ] I can contain you. You just have to hold out long enough for me to get to you.
[ he kisses first one palm, then the other, then tilts his head back up to kiss josh's mouth, gentle and lingering. ] I love you, too. It's going to be okay, you just need time. Way more time than you've allowed yourself to have.
[ he gently presses their brows together. ] You know as well as I do that what you went through.. it's not something someone just gets over.
[ he freezes for a moment, surprised by the question, searching josh's expression. ]
.. Yes. [ he slides his arms around the other man's waist, wrists crossing at the small of his back. ] But you need to really consider whether you want me to do that before you make the decision.
[ he pushes one hand up into josh's hair as he pushes his face into his neck, stroking the back of his head and his nape, running his palm down his back. ]
It is, [ he agrees, turning his head to push his temple lightly against the top of the other man's head. ] And I'm not saying that taking those memories from you is right or wrong. That's not-- I don't think there's a right answer there. It's what's better for you, what you think you can or can't live with.
[ even though, if it were up to him, he would have taken them as soon as he woke up, or at least muffled them, taken the pain and emotion out of them. but it's not his decision to make. ]
[ a nod. the first time he'd died, the second, the third. all of them haunted him in different ways. but losing the memory - having someone in his head, even someone he loves and trusts, could open different problems.
but the third had been the worst.
the unbearable torture stayed with him no matter how hard he tried to distance himself from it. ]
[ he kisses the shell of his ear, then reaches to gently nudge his chin up so josh has to look at him. ] Give it until the weekend, okay? Think it through, and if you still want the memories gone, we'll talk about options, okay? In the meantime..
[ he shifts away from him slightly, stepping toward the edge of the rocks, where the surf hits them several feet below, frothing and crashing. then he just drops down on the stone, yanking his boots off with his tk and letting his legs dangle.
he pats the spot next to him, glancing up at his boyfriend with a crooked smile. ] David has Noah for the next hour. We might as well enjoy the break, right? [ and more importantly, it'll give josh more time to settle, to breathe, far away from the dense part of the population. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 01:22 pm (UTC)jean's the first to notice him going stiff, followed by ororo, glances questioning as his fingers curl white-knuckled around the arms of his chair. he shakes his head once to let them know not to worry, sends jean a quick warning--don't let anyone go near the arbor magna, not until i say it's safe--and rises without so much as a by-your-leave, hurrying out and taking to the air.
pulling on his abilities, he's off like a shot, reaching out to the five as he does so. he can feel the fear, well-disguised beneath artificial calm. they're trying to keep josh calm, but they know as well as anyone that if josh truly loses control, it's going to be bad even with quentin there to stop him. back the fuck off, he spits telepathically to xavier as he lands in a flurry of psionic flames, knowing his presence isn't helping matters here. xavier, the x-men, the council-- they're the reason josh is like this in the first place, as well-meaning as they may or may not be. the good of the many, et cetera, et fucking cetera.
he steps forward, then, fearless, soothing, reaching out to brush his familiar presence against his boyfriend's mind. ]
Hey, babe, [ he greets aloud, gentle, pushing warmth and comfort at him, pressing a muffling weight over the panic taking him. ] It's been a rough day, huh? [ he presses hope's arm as he passes her, assurance that he's got this, even as his heart breaks in his chest at the terror still radiating from josh like a warding signal.
i'm here, you're safe, he says, just for him, stopping within easy reach of the other man. it's a risk if there's nothing left in there but instinct, his flames low enough not to look like a threat, but not much of a defense because of that. but he doesn't think josh has regressed that far. he offers out his hands, palm up, bare and pale and familiar.
i told you i'd never let someone hurt you again. i meant it. come back to me, josh. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-20 11:49 pm (UTC)after all this time, why is he still like this? it's quentin and he knows its quentin, but josh reels back from the offered hand. his hands balling to fists, the air around him taking on a far darker aura. there's a rush of self-hatred at his own reaction, revulsion that his first thought is to attack to secure a way to freedom.
it would be easy. quentin probably wouldn't fight back. his thoughts are frantic, trying to figure out how to dismantle the phoenix and and and
he shakes his head. his hands curling tighter in his hair. ]
I - I can't.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 12:26 am (UTC)[ he shuts down anything in his brain that would ping as anxiety or fear, keeping his heart calm, his breathing even, allowing nothing that josh could pick up that would cause him more stress. there are so many people here, so many people in the area surrounding them. ]
But the only thing I'm ever going to ask from you is to be with me, Josh. [ he gently curls his fingers where they wait, bending enough so that he can peer up into his boyfriend's face. ] So.. be with me. I love you, and I'm going to protect you. Breathe for me, okay?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 12:45 am (UTC)He tries to breathe. To stop. To relax.
He reaches out slowly. His skin slowly washing to gold as his fingers extend, loosely gripping Quentin's fingers. Slowly Josh sinks to his knees, wailing softly. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 01:03 am (UTC)he strokes fingers slowly through his hair, curling telekinetic arms around him, gentle and careful. ]
I've got you, babe. [ he finds it hard to believe himself some days, that he's here, that they're here together. but if nothing else taught him compassion, parenthood did, and he's not doing anything to risk losing his child or his boyfriend. ] You're doing so good. I know you don't believe it right now, but I'm so fucking proud of you. [ he scratches fingers gently over josh's scalp, stroking through his hair, brushing the curve of his ear, slow and even, giving him physical sensation to focus on. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 01:25 am (UTC)and josh
crumbles with each death. ]
It was just... I didn't...
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 01:38 am (UTC)then he aims them toward the beach, toward an isolated little stretch of sand and rock, tucked away in a little cove. ]
Babe, [ he says gently, aloud and in josh's mind as they descend, ] you've been back less than three months, and your whole world changed while you were gone. You need to be kinder to yourself. [ they touch down on sand-worn stone, warmed from the afternoon sun, and quentin sets him on his feet again, reaching to cup his face, to look into his eyes. ] Do you really think I wasn't traumatized by my deaths? Why do you think I spent so much time aggravating you after I'd resurrect? It was better than thinking. And I didn't come back then the way you do, remembering every awful detail.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 02:03 am (UTC)I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't... it's always so close to the surface, and I'll lose control, and eventually I'll hurt you, or Noah.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 02:32 am (UTC)[ his palms slide further down, taking josh's hands and lifting them, gathering them between his own and kissing the knuckles. ]
I didn't accept the Phoenix just to be a pretty fiery figurehead, Josh. I did it for you and for Noah, for our family and our home. [ flames lick at his fingers, gentle and harmless under his control, wreathing their laced hands. ] I can contain you. You just have to hold out long enough for me to get to you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 02:42 am (UTC)[ he knows. he lets out a shuddering breath. trying to focus on his breathing, to drag himself back to gold from lead. ]
I know, I know... I love you.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 02:54 am (UTC)[ he gently presses their brows together. ] You know as well as I do that what you went through.. it's not something someone just gets over.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 03:29 am (UTC)he hesitates. ]
Can you take them away? The memories?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 03:39 am (UTC).. Yes. [ he slides his arms around the other man's waist, wrists crossing at the small of his back. ] But you need to really consider whether you want me to do that before you make the decision.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 03:48 am (UTC)I don't know. [ a shuddering breath. ] I know - we bring people back without the memory of their death because... it's too much to know.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 04:00 am (UTC)It is, [ he agrees, turning his head to push his temple lightly against the top of the other man's head. ] And I'm not saying that taking those memories from you is right or wrong. That's not-- I don't think there's a right answer there. It's what's better for you, what you think you can or can't live with.
[ even though, if it were up to him, he would have taken them as soon as he woke up, or at least muffled them, taken the pain and emotion out of them. but it's not his decision to make. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 04:51 am (UTC)but the third had been the worst.
the unbearable torture stayed with him no matter how hard he tried to distance himself from it. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 05:09 pm (UTC)[ he shifts away from him slightly, stepping toward the edge of the rocks, where the surf hits them several feet below, frothing and crashing. then he just drops down on the stone, yanking his boots off with his tk and letting his legs dangle.
he pats the spot next to him, glancing up at his boyfriend with a crooked smile. ] David has Noah for the next hour. We might as well enjoy the break, right? [ and more importantly, it'll give josh more time to settle, to breathe, far away from the dense part of the population. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 09:21 pm (UTC)At least I can count on David to show him how to act in a crisis.